BFing...and no, it's nothing dirty

This post is part of Theme Thursday with Someone Clever!!  And for once, I am posting it on Thursday.  The right one.  Just a few hours later than press time.  Yay me!

****I'm anti-netcronyms and the first time I saw BFing in a forum, I thought it was butt fucking.  For real.  I was so confused.  Why would people boast about this in a preggo forum??  Ooops, I was wrong. 

I did breastfeed Moe.  It was my plan and everything I did, including my play for a natural birth, were to support my desire to breastfeed.  I figured that there are so many books on how hard it is and so much attention on how you shouldn't (can't?) give up too easily that it must be HARD!  So why make it harder?  I didn't want to risk a c-section which everyone says makes nursing impossible. 

I think nothing could have prepared me for the sensation (PAIN) the first time I put Moe on the boob.  It wasn't the worst pain ever but it was shocking to say the least.  The pain pretty much stopped once she got going and was minor discomfort between feedings.  What I didn't bargain for was a medically complicated child.  By the end of week 1, Moe was on 30 cal fortified breast milk.  That meant pumping & adding formula and other stuff to concentrate the calories.  In the long run, I wish I'd trusted my gut and said no to that.  It set off alot of problems feeding-wise that we are just starting to get out of.  But at the time, she was in heart failure and failing to thrive as a result.  It seemed like we HAD to do the medical route. 

Back to nursing.  I liked it.  I didn't get any crazy sexy feelings from it (and I'm GLAD!).  I did get the super kick in the butt knock-out.  Pretty much within minutes of her latching on, I would get this narcotic like need to sleep.  It was impossible to resist but kind of nice.  Not so helpful in the NICU but if we'd been in bed together, it would have been a great way to catch up on zzzzs. 

Pumping - hurt like a bastard!  I HATE the pump.  I hated it hated it hated it.  I was in no way sad to stop THAT bit.  But it worked.  I pumped every 3 hours around the clock for 3 months.  I went to one 6 hour stretch at night so I could sleep but otherwise, every 3 hours I pumped or nursed or both.  It made me have a great supply.  I nursed Moe like 2-3 times a day and she got bottles for the rest to give her the extra calories. 

We did this for 5 months.  The first week I was back to work, Moe quit nursing.  She just wouldn't latch any more.  I think she got the idea that milk only came from bottles at that point and that was that.  This was very upsetting to me but I told myself that she was doing what was right for her and that this wasn't about ME.  By this time she also had very bad excema but we'd only been perhaps suggested to have me go dairy free myself.  I wasn't really down.  It sounds selfish but please, I was doing ALOT already.  We were barely sleeping (me & the Database) to keep up with pumping, him washing all my stuff so I could get back to bed, giving Moe her meds, working, & days at the hospital.  I NEEDED my cheese.  I just did.  So when we finally saw a GI dr and they gave us the axe about dairy, I quit.  Moe was already done with nursing directly and at this point, I would have had to throw away months worth of frozen milk & start all over while changing my diet.  I just couldn't do any more. 

We made the decision to go on formula at that point - dairy free yucky Nutramigen.  Moe was a trooper and in a few days had accepted the new taste.  I was really unhappy and had to get over my own feelings about stopping the breastmilk.  Plus the getting rid of the milk supply.  My boobs didn't want to quit and it was a painful week or two before the milk was gone.  Moms who get to wean slowly probably don't get this.  I had to pump less and get all swollen and then only pump a little....it seemed like it would never go away and the whole time I was sad becaue I knew this was all over.  But this reminds me of a side effect I was happy to end - the painfully senstive nips.  They didn't hurt just existing but if anyone touched them except the baby, it hurt.  If I wore my seatbelt, I was awful.  I was scared the whole time I was going to die a horrible seatbelt related death because I would wear the belt all weird to keep it off the boobs.  I don't know if anyone else had this?  Is that normal?  I didn't bother to ask. 

Now, looking forward, I have some perspective on my own human limits.  Would I go through all that again for a hypothetical #2?  Yes and no.  I want to nurse if I have another.  I want it to go "right", the way I wanted this time.  Where I nurse the baby and get all the benefit of free milk that is always ready with no bottles to clean.  And the nursing knock-out naps!  If things get medical again...not sure what I'll do.  If there is excema again?  We are switching to dairy free ASAP.  I don't want to put another kid through discomfort and changing to a new tasting formula once they are already perfectly happy with what they are getting.  Could I go dairy free myself for the purpose of breastfeeding?  I still don't think so.  When I was pregnant with Moe, another mom who had this challenge said you do what you have to do.  And I did but not the same as her.  We had alot of challenges and I had to pick my battles.  I said then I couldn't give up cheese.  I'm sticking to that for now.  Cheese is my biffle.  For life.